Me and Death

What would you regret if you died tomorrow?

It was after 11pm when I was asked that question. Tomorrow was so close. My heart spoke up in a voice clear enough to cut through all other bullshit, like a giant bell silencing all other sound and forcing itself on your senses. Tears began to well. Surprisingly there was no concern for my life's accomplishments or lack there of; what I'd done or hadn't done didn't matter. That from a worldy perspective my life thus far has been an utter waste, mediocre at best...none of it mattered. What surfaced was a sadness. Life is a beautiful gift and I've spent mine being the worst enemy to myself that I've ever seen. My attitude is self-defeating, negative in the extreme, and constantly pouring bitterness in my ear - but it's only about me and only towards me. I'm hell-bent on defeating my own happiness, which is more sad than I can express in words. And the thought of having to asnwer to someone (or thing) about be asked directly with no means of escape "why would you destroy your birth right of happiness? Why would you fight your natural state and by choice be miserable your whole existance?"  Not only do I not have an asnwer of any kind that would suffice (because there is none), I feel like a sorry excuse and a failure. I feel stupid.

The advise I was given, with the preface of it being for someone 'like me', was to get comfortable with death. Because then I would understand just how short life really is and wouldn't waste another second on self-pity or anything else. I picture myself in a little coffee shop, similar to the Java Jungle in Reno, sharing a table in the corner with Death and us getting to know each other. It's not my time yet, but we're sharing our perspectives like college intellectuals, sipping coffee, and watching the people dash about their busy lives. I imagine us becoming friends, an understanding being established, so that when my time does come it'll be a reunion with an old friend I haven't seen in a long time. A joyous occasion.

That's how I plan to get past my many issues with me and learn to live the life I was meant to.

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