Life seems strange to me right now. I’m trying to determine what I want, what I really want out of all this, and so far I’m getting conflicting answers. The two sides are starting to argue loudly and making decisions…leaves me second guessing myself. It’s very hard to plan for the long-term while the short-term won’t is misbehaving.
That doesn’t make much sense, even to me.
Let’s try again. I have several dreams, a couple pretty big ones, the paths to which seem to cross, therefore making decisions to move towards one leads me away from another. So the crux is: what do I really want. Or in the have-cake-and-eat-it-too sense, what do I want first.
I want to travel; roam the Earth like a nomad until I’ve seen enough, which may be never cuz I’m an all-or-nothing kind of girl, be free to try anything that even tickles my interest, and effectively escape the mundane 9-to-5 career-based life that works for everyone else. We can start in the States with a travel trailer and graduate to backpacking everywhere else, or vise versa.
AND I want to have a little mini-house out in the mountains somewhere where I can live off the grid, grow all my own vegetables, and embrace the slower, much simpler, rather hippie lifestyle. I want goats cuz I like the milk and I think they’re cute, in a destructive sort of way, and a dog without a lease or a yard. I want solar panels and a wind turbine, a compost barrel and to pay nearly nothing in taxes because I’m self-sufficient.
Hence the inner struggle on what to work towards. Then of course there’s the issue of logistics. Even when the dream is to live simply it requires funds of some kind, funds requires a job of some sort, and I’m generally against those, for one because I hate paying taxes, and for two because you have to devote 40 hours a week or more to earn scraps. It’s defeatist from my point of view.
So how do I have the dream of being a nomad while being tied to a job in order to pay for it? Short answer is I need to work for myself, doing something that’s not truly based anywhere, or more directly, is based wherever I am. I haven’t got one of those in my back pocket, not yet anyway.
So all that is battling on the inside. On the outside I’m dealing with life in front of my face, which includes “biding my time” at a job I’ve been at for nearly a year, tire issues, trying to sort my life out of the many boxes Honey haphazardly packed it into, and needing to buy my own car soon, which is a whole other tangle – do I get an economy car for in town or a truck to go camping/fishing with even though I no longer have the boat, how am I going to afford it, how much do I have to put down, is there any way I can avoid going through a dealer and still get something decent that won’t break in 3 days????
There’s not much room left upstairs for anything else, so please don’t ask me anything hard. You’ll likely get a dumb stare.
We watched the movie
Where the Wild Things Are last night, which struck several sensitive nerves. I cried for far more of it than was probably necessary or normal and had very confusing dreams I don’t remember on top of that. None of which is helping me get oriented or going this morning. A dream interpreter would need therapy after a week with me. Anyway, I’m gonna get some food and try to roll with the many waves instead of fighting them all.
