It was my friend’s birthday yesterday. The one I’m so critical of (in private) for being lost. And it occurred to me…I’m pretty damn lost too.
Not for the first time, I ask myself what happened to me.
I used to have such fire for life. Futile and often misguided fire, but loads of fire nonetheless. I was opinionated, head strong, knew exactly what I wanted in life. So what happened? I’m a different person now and not one I’m particularly proud of. Compare the me of now to the me of 16 or 20 – it’s like we’re not even related. The things I wanted have all changed: career (or wanting one at all), my ideas about relationships and marriage, from wanting a big house to craving the nomadic lifestyle… I’m starting to doubt if I even know what I want – there’s one thing I’ve “wanted” for 15 years and haven’t achieved yet or put much effort towards, so logically maybe I really don’t want it. ???
I feel like I’m not my own person, more like an assimilated version, a watered down version of the me I could be. It’s no one’s fault but mine. Too many trips down the path of least resistance, letting myself slide, not being honest with me when I needed it (always). I’m frustrated, chaffing in the part I’m playing, wondering why the hell I don’t do something about this mess. Aren’t I always saying if you’re not gonna do something about it, stop bitching? Of course I am. I have no sympathy for anyone who won’t help themselves. Don’t worry; I have no sympathy for me either. This new policy I have about always being brutally honest with myself isn’t a sunny walk in the park. Its humble pie served in huge slices, no whipped cream.
Starting right now, I’m gonna stop talking about all the amazing stuff I’m gonna do, and just start doing. If I don’t move, this will be the rest of my life…and that would be tragic. I’m more, so much more than I’m putting out there. I’m so fucking lazy it’s pathetic. I’m just hanging out being miserable and envying people who have what I want, not doing anything about it and wondering why nothing ever changes. Short answer: because I’m the same. Sucks, but true. It really is all about what’s wrong with me. I’m slacking my way thru my life and now that I can face and admit it – it’s not acceptable.