Then and Now

I was reading a blog the other night, got re-directed to another blog, and subsequently discovered the person in stewardship of the first blog is what I would consider, at first glance and by one post, a completely self-absorbed bitch. Needless to say, I abandoned the desire to be a guest blogger. On the basis that her 800+ followers wouldn't go for me since I definitely don't go for her. More power to her and her lemings, but they're not for me.

Besides, I write for me. Because it's therapuetic and puts things into perspective, not because I have anything dazzling to say or because I think I'll gain friends. I've never been very popular - maybe that's why it's not one of my main life goals.

I made the mistake (again) of reading old journal entries to see where I was, mentally, on any given day. March 23, 2009, for example. That day in particular I was prepared, calm, and waiting for movement so I could move in turn. What ultimately happened: I got fired. So there I sat, 1000 miles from home, no money, no job, in an apartment lease 11 days old, and an overwhelming desire to tell a supervisor how poorly he'd handled supervising. I remember thinking how all the stars had aligned for us even to pick up and move to Portland, how in 9 days I'd driven 3000 miles to, back, and to again in order to start work on Monday. And how it all fell apart in 5 weeks, which didn't make sense to me at all.

Then, like now, not a lot makes sense. Maybe it's not supposed to. That's what they say, right? It's all part of a huge ineffible plan and we mere mortals aren't meant to understand. Well, I don't. I'll admit it so the rest of you will comfortable. For once, the entire world is in the same boat and just "doing what you can" is actually acceptable. I appreciate that.

Still chasing the dream. Dreams. Seems some days I want everything and I want it now. Making a living seems secondary to making sure my life is worth living and a good time. I'm skewed, what can I say. But I'm not wrong. I want to thrive, not just survive, which is what I've been doing most of my life, and probably you in yours. I'm taking it down to the basics of survival: food, water, shelter. Everything after that is a 'want', not a 'need'. I'm looking forward to donating everything I own when the time is right.

A model just asked me if I was a writer. After a pause, I said Yes with a smile. One step closer to one of many dreams...