I debated back and forth about writing on this subject. But it’s been bugging me since yesterday (Thursday) so it’s probably better to get it out. Have you ever had someone you know, who knows you well enough to know better, assume something terrible about you and just run with it? Hurt feelings follow, assumptions are made that lead to a tangle of other assumptions, and at the end of it all there’s a 300lb gorilla in the room I didn’t know about. It feels awful, but worse than that. There aren’t enough adjectives…
I think I jinxed myself. I wrote a post mentioning I’d only offended one person. Now I’ve done it again. Technically it’s still one cuz it’s the same person, but I want to make it clear to that person in particular and everyone else in the world who might stumble across this blog:
I don’t write to hurt you or anyone.
I’m not an angry, malicious, secretly vicious, or otherwise nasty person. It goes against my inner, happy hippie nature and my theory of go along and get along. I’m the one who doesn’t retaliate because I don’t want to stoop to that level, plus I’ll feel shitty about it later. So it shocked my socks off that this particular person thought I was stabbing at him via the aforementioned post, when in truth and aside from the first paragraph, it had nothing to do with him. When I said life wasn’t about pleasing people and ‘you’ weren’t on the list anyway, I meant ‘you’ collectively, including everyone on the planet. Here’s a little further explanation if it’s still not clear:
I was raised as a pleaser. Making my folks proud and receiving affection became based on how I performed at school or on the soccer field. A ‘B’ in math earned a frown and a ‘C’ in reading was unacceptable. They tried to stage an intervention when I got a ‘D’ in college calculus, despise my having been in the hospital for a week during that term. I became the one who could always be depended on to work overtime even if I had plans. You can’t always do what makes others happy, and you shouldn’t do things you normally wouldn’t just for that reason. It turns into a huge mess eventually.
I’m 28 years old and I’m just now becoming my own person, realizing that I have a right to set boundaries and say ‘no’, and that people who would rather hurt than help, or refuse to respect my happiness have no place in my life. That’s what I meant when I said life wasn’t about pleasing people.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me being the first person I need to please either. That’s not selfish, and if you (anyone) disagree we’ll have to agree to disagree on that point. I’m not out there getting my jollies by stomping on the dreams of others. Pleasing me doesn’t hurt anyone. I deserve to be happy, and for me, a lot of that is an internal struggle with old, very deeply rooted issues.
This blog is helping me with some of those issues, especially the ones about expressing myself. Not all my thoughts are cute bunnies and fluffy clouds, but what I wrote is how I felt at the time and I needed to get it out. There are too many emotions careening around inside and damages are imminent if I keep stuffing them down. I won’t apologize for having thoughts or feelings that offended someone, because I had them, ugly or not. But I didn’t post them to hurt anyone and I’m never going to post something intentionally hurtful in the off-chance that the person might read it. That’s too grey. If we have issues, rest assured I’ll be contacting you (anyone) to discuss them directly.
Anyway, that’s the general jist. If I’m still not being clear, please COMMUNICATE that to me.