Unwanted Guests

Note: I apologize for the lack of cool pics - Honey is up to his eyes in other (apparently more important) photo stuff and I haven't learned how to resize my own stuff yet (hello, not a photographer), so bear with me on that...

Since we haven't been on the road in awhile, I'll expound on a subject that's currently eating me: house guests. The problem with unwanted guests...is they're unwanted, and usually blatantly unaware of that fact or more blatantly exploiting it. They stay when you'd rather they leave; they're awake when you need to sleep. The sanctity of your bathroom or kitchen (or both) is invaded and very little regard, if any, is given for your boundaries on sharing. The dilemma of the situation: how to get them to leave expeditiously without being out-and-out rude or encouraging them to come back (you know you do it in the name of being a gracious host, but secretly you never want them to darken your doorway again!). If you don't mind being out-and-out rude, this post isn't for you so just carry on and be nasty until they leave. If not, please continue reading.
So, we've devised a few not-so-subtle methods of house guest warfare that we are currently applying (oh yes, we have the epitome of the horrible squatter) or will be applying shortly to make said guest's stay as uncomfortable as possible. First, if like us, you have the main living room TV that is never available for your viewing pleasure after a long day of work because your guest is letting her monster-brat children watch cartoons - hide the remote. When you are ready and your guest is out of sight, feel free to fire up the tele and take over your favorite couch. Second, if like me, you awaken each morning looking forward to and expecting to have a bowl of your favorite cereal only to discover it has been completely devoured by your locust-like guests - also hide it, if possible out of reach without the use of a step ladder after you've smuggled it into the house from the grocery store. Third, and this requires a door knob equipped with a lock on it, you can stash/safeguard any personal effects such as purse and keys, cell phone (personal story on this in a moment) expensive facial products, make-up, medications, loufas, etc in your bedroom each night. I personally have issue with sharing my loufa - for me its like sharing a toothbrush: disgusting and unsanitary unless you've been married to that person for three years or more.
The cell phone story: we've had the unfortunate experience of this guest sneaking into a sleeping person's room to "borrow" their cellphone (we have no house phone) to call all their buddies during the night, effectively burning through someone else's valuable minutes. Our particular guest, when asked about her possible possession of the phone, claimed the owner had "lost" it. Don't fall victim to this - lock your door at night, and if possible, during the day. You can also do laundry while your guest showers to steal all the hot water, cook with food items they despise, watch movies or shows you know they hate (if you're sharing the TV at all), and generally be oblivious to any of their special needs. Be pleasant while being unpleasant. Once you get started you'll be surprised by the joy it brings. I support the hippie credo- you all know that, but peace, love, and happiness do not apply in this situation. Try watching the movie "Monster-in-law" to draw inspiration. Depending on how desperate things get and how long the forecasted stay, you can always resort to paying them to leave – I know, that’s insane but sanity is relative: paying someone to leave or living with them in your house which makes you crazy. Your choice.