Creditors and the Scheme of Things

Welcome to 2009. I am in debt and out of work, optimistic and yet oppressed by over 30 phone calls a day from creditors screaming for money – they should be thankful, it’s people like me who keep them in a job – and yet, all things are right with the world. Ironic, isn’t it?

I don’t talk to my creditors a whole lot, gets kind of repetitive, but I wanted to share some of the humor I’ve found it in for those of you also suffering and needing a lift. There is a script and the script goes as follows:
After they dupe you by asking casually for you by first name only, and then asking for you the way your mother used to when you were in serious trouble, they make the brash assumption that by telling you you’ll be making a payment today that it’ll magically happen. After you stupefy them by saying ‘No’ in a flat tone of voice, they pause and then turn to the script, asking the following questions, usually in predicable order:
Are you receiving any unemployment? As if the pennies you get in Nevada for the maximum benefit will cover your rent, car, and food, plus 7 seven credit cards (according to one TV ad, we all have 8).
Can you borrow from your 401K or savings account? I personally have a problem with endangering my retirement to pay credit cards in times of crisis.
Can you borrow from family or friends? If you read my blog around Christmas you know there isn’t a snowballs’ chance in hell that my folks would loan me money. Aside from that, these companies don’t realize that you like your family and friends and care if they hate you were you to owe them money. With creditors you don’t.
Can you defer a car or home loan payment? This one really kills me. This insinuates that a credit card payment is more important that having a roof over your head or wheels to dash to that interview when the call comes. I was asked this when the payment was $7.
Can you give us your banking information for a payment scheduled to post [sometime weeks from now] and you can call back if you still don’t have any money? This one actually left me speechless for two seconds before I asked the lady if that was the same as writing a check knowing it wouldn’t clear and hence illegal. It’s a policy at our house that you NEVER give anyone you owe money any information from your bank.

So, now that you know what they’re going to ask you can head them off at the pass and drastically shorten the conversation by simply declining all their questions in a single breath before they even ask. It doesn’t work every time – I had a lady today challenge me with ‘who’s paying your bills if you’ve been unemployed for three months?’ The short answer is no one. Duh. That’s why you’re calling me. Repeatedly. Please note: this will not stop the phone calls. I don’t have any magic method for that unfortunately. I’m hoping eventually the auto dialer will get tired or they’ll just send it to collections and it can sit there until I’m working again.

The first key in all this is to remember, acknowledge, and enjoy things like the sky still being a fabulous blue, even if it’s accompanied by uncharacteristic weather for this time of year which is probably environmentally bad, that the sun still rises, the world still turns, and people still love you, no matter how much money you owe some asshole who can’t take no for an answer without losing his job. It’s all relative. And unimportant in the scheme of things. So you don’t buy things on credit for a while, you don’t answer calls from strange numbers, you ignore completely the nasty gram mail that, and you get on with your life, knowing that at some point when you’re ready you will take care of things. I know for a fact that if left with no other options (meaning no one to talk to and no one answering the mail) creditors will turn things over to collections and whatever you owe will sit there, not bothering anyone, until you want something you can’t afford on your own – in my case, 6 years without a peep.

The other key is don’t be bullied and don’t cave. I haven’t got it, no matter how small, because the $7 they’re asking for is what I have to survive on for the next 5-7 days and has to cover food, gas, any necessity I run out of, and all of the unexpectedness that happens in life on a regular basis. I’m down to paying the bear essentuals – and let me elaborate here because my version and yours may differ greatly. I’m talking food, gas, insurance so my license doesn’t get suspended, meds, phone so I can get potential job offer calls, internet so I can search for those jobs, post this amazing blog, and keep Honey’s website up (so cable), and the website itself to keep Honey’s photography on a roll. After that it’s whatever I can do, which right now doesn’t include the car, the boat, or rent – thank God I live with my mother in-law and there’s no chance of getting evicted. It’s all material, not coming with me when I die, and not stuff I planned on keeping until then anyway. Let it go with grace and be thankful you don’t have to worry about it anymore.

We’re currently planning the biggest trip of our lives, in the midst of economic crisis, no income, and an assumption that we’ll eventually lose the car. The insanity of it is what makes sense. Go with me on this – now is the best time to do something unexpected, unplanned, and absolutely nuts. At no other time would you (or at least anyone I know besides us) willingly give up comfort and security to go do something amazing, so now, when you don’t have a choice about the comfort and security, is the perfect time to do it. Accept that you may lose some things. Also accept they weren’t meant to be yours. And do something you’ll remember for the rest of your life.

In the New Year

So there are a handful of things I feel like discussing today, starting with this blog in relation to a guy I chatted with last night at the LVPS meeting about “monetizing” this blog. I’m not sure that’s a word, but it’s what he used to describe making money from ones’ blog site. I’m sure I’m not the only one hurting for money these days, but if I could link to sites like Canon and REI based on the equipment Honey uses for photography and the stuff we use to go camping all the time, that would be awesome! There’s another blogger I’ve just heard about who did this, and got to quit his day job as a result, you may want to check out: The Strobist. Anyway, I’m not against having ads on either side of my riveting tales of misadventure; I just don’t have a lot experience doing them/getting them/maintaining them, etc. If anyone has any feedback on this issue, I’m open. It would be a great help [the making money part] to our future plans, which will be a secret for now – just know that it involves living the simple life and seeing the sites, and any support from readers like you would be much appreciated. Donation links are coming soon.

Secondly, or more accurately back to the LVPS meeting of last night, I just want to say that was the best one I’ve been to. Miss Sazzy ran the meeting with efficiency and humor (I voted for your Wonder bread shot) and there were the most people I’ve seen, as well as the most new members. And in the spirit of everyone who always says, “I just want to go shoot something” I have a grand idea. I propose a camping trip to Kolob Reservoir, maybe in April when it’s warmer but not hot, and invite all the LVPS members, their families, dogs, etc. There’s a reservoir where you can swim or fish, hiking, Zion National Park is right down the road and an easy day trip, there’s Bryce Canyon if you’re willing to drive a bit further, good times, lots of macro stuff, scenery stuff, and I’m also suggesting a pot luck for one night. It’s a 3-hour drive, give or take, but it’s worth it. More details on that later after I pitch it to Sazzy – so if you read this before I get to you, give me a call! The green chili burrito (chile for you Latin folks) at Oscar’s Café in Springdale is worth the drive by itself, and I can assure you I’ll be eating there before I head for home.

What else was on my mind…. oh yeah! I got a book from the library the other day, finished it in a day, and was left with a feeling of ‘Wow’. It’s a collection of 9 short stories by different authors called Seeds of Change, edited by John Joseph Adams. It explores what might happen in the future from different view points like racism, giving up the vote, or going bananas about recycling. Just as a teaser, the first story is called “N-words” and explores what might happen as other nations (who have fewer moral issues about it) experiment with stem cells and cloning, going so far as to clone dogs, endangered species, and then Neanderthals. They’re nothing like we imagined; they’re smarter, faster, stronger… and regular people fear and hate them. Another story proposes what it might be like to be “face blind”, where your brain doesn’t recognize skin color or facial expression, in theory preventing prejudgment of people and avoiding misunderstanding due to misinterpretation. It was an interesting read, some stories more interesting than others, but it challenged me to think outside the box (apologies for another use of a very tired cliché) and consider what could happen with global advances in technology. It’s stick with me long enough to write about it here and I read it days ago, so it’s worth picking up.

In other news, I’ve embarked on a life-changing task that will segue into a full-on life change. I’m doing what’s called a ‘periodic monodiet’, something I read about in Fit for Life: A New Beginning. The premise is for 3, 5, 7, or 10 days, depending on your needs, you eat nothing but fruit and it’s freshly squeezed juices (you can also do one where you have salad with your fruit, but the point is everything has to be raw). It gives your entire digestive system a much needed break, since fruit takes almost no energy to digest, and cleanses your insides. For the record, I ate four bananas throughout the day yesterday and didn’t get diarrhea. I’ve also dropped some weight, as I didn’t have to do the dance this morning to get into my previously rather snug jeans. Don’t ask about actual pounds because henceforth I’ll never know – I’ve sworn off use of the scale because it makes me neurotic. Originally, I committed to 3 days (today being the third day) figuring that no matter how hard, I could last at least that long. In actuality, I’m considering going for five because it’s been so easy. My hands don’t shake, the energy is incredible as is my sense of smell (I’ve nicknamed myself Bloodhound during this time), I don’t have any symptoms of my acid reflux, no cramping, none of the unpleasantness of “Oh my God I need to eat or I’ll fall down”. The only side effects I’ve noticed (besides losing some weight where it counts) is the heightened sense of smell (you wouldn’t believe how good barbeque sauce smells!), being thirsty, and belching. Apparently the bunny lifestyle works for me.
From here, I’m going straight into the eating methods of the original Fit for Life book, written by Harvey Diamond and his lovely wife Marilyn. It’s got 3 months of what to eat for every meal of every day to get me started and thinking in the right mindset. It also works out well that vegetables are usually the cheapest things in the store. Long term I’m planning to become a vegetarian for the majority of the time, and I say it like that because if Honey and I get to travel to some of the great local restaurants I’ve seen on Man vs. Food – I’ll be having the signature BBQ that day. Follow me? So I’m on a roll and plan to keep it that way. Eat healthy, be healthy, and get off my self-pitying arse and take responsibility for my life.

The Day the Earth Stood Still

It’s Tuesday morning around 11am. A beautiful day, cold and crisp without being bitter, and one I should be out enjoying except that I’m sharing troubling thoughts with the vast emptiness of the Internet. Hopefully someone will read, listen, and take heed…otherwise I believe we richly deserve what’s coming to us. Yesterday while on a day trip to Kingman for Whataburger and Cracker Barrel (our first time), during our food-burning break between lunch and dinner, we found a tiny movie theatre and watched The Day the Earth Stood Still. Keanu Reeves makes an excellent semi-humanoid alien, by the way. At the end of it I felt an overwhelming sadness and something akin to righteous defeat. For those of you who don’t leave the house or didn’t catch the original, I’ll give you a quick rundown: Aliens come to Earth to save it from us because Earth is one of a small handful of life-supporting planets in the solar system. The many “alien” races cannot afford to let a planet such as this die to due to one inhabitant species (that would be us) and plan to cleanse the planet of us, hence giving Earth a chance to recover and survive. If you think about it, we as humans are the one species on Earth not tied to any ecosystem. For example: Alaskan fishermen over fish herring, which in turn starves sea lions, lowering their numbers, which in turn affects the food supply for killer whales and sharks. Think about it - if we’re not here, nothing dies because of it. In fact, more things would flourish. Bluntly, we are unnecessary.

Aside from this realization, which is only partially responsible for my sadness, there was a line in the movie that stated: “Only when we’re on the brink of destruction will we change”. That may not be a direct quote, but you get the hint. If you ever ask yourself questions about why we, as the United States or the world, don’t do certain things that would actually help the planet and ultimately save us – there’s your answer. All of it, as far as I can tell, is driven by the Almighty Dollar. There’s no money in going green. God forbid some oilman doesn’t make X hundreds of millions in profits every year.

I think we have it coming. I think if aliens have visited here, they’ve left feeling dirty and disgusted, and if they’re visiting in the future they’ll all agree we should be exterminated for being destructive and having no purpose. I’m currently ashamed to be human. We’re a sorry lot hell-bent on greed and one-upping each other. We think because we can reason and talk that we’re better than any other living creature and should therefore have the right to dominate and kill everything. We’re despicable.

The alien was right – it’s not our planet.

T'is the Season

The Painful Path
Sadness that never really goes away

Space nothing can ever fill

Just cavernous empty you stuff with every

Good thing you can find

But never enough

Cling to the happy when the sad attacks

Put on a brave face, be as normal as you can

Sympathy lasts only so long

Understanding seldom prevails

Hurt and rage - your unhappy roommates

Face it every chance you get

Embrace sorrow so that it may pass

Be not tormented forever

When at last it finally drains away

It will be sunlight on your face

And everyday will be spring

Very few people know, but I used to be an avid poetry writer. Six of my poems were published by the International Library of Poetry, which I thought was a huge accomplishment at one time, until I read some of the drivel they accept. As far as I can tell they publish everything that comes to them in order to sell books, which I used to buy religiously if my work was in them. Honey suggested I write some for my blog. Sometimes poems are the best cohesion of jumbled emotions that have nowhere to go, as is the case with the one above. I wrote The Painful Path a year after my parents stopped speaking to me basically because I married Felix. One year to the day they broke contact, they sent me a video montage of taking care of them when they’re old because they took care of me when I was young, Things a happy family would be happy to receive because it strengthens their bond. Bare in mind, this is a day after I totaled another car and was supposed to leave for a bed-and-breakfast weekend in Zion for my wedding anniversary. I was home alone, completely confused and just fell apart. Honey penned an email asking them to get out of my life if they insisted on continually hurting me. The response said simply that I’d have to ask for that, and if I did they’d “gladly comply”, but he was not acknowledged as my husband or anyone of consequence. After 6 or 7 years of being torn to pieces trying to follow my heart and appease my parents demanding wishes, I was just exhausted and over it – in the sense that I just didn’t care anymore, didn’t have the energy to argue about it anymore, and wanted nothing more than to be at peace. I’m still not over it, per say. I had to pen an email to my folks telling them I loved them, but didn’t wish to have any more contact with them or from them. I blocked their email address. I cried for a long time. This time of year is the hardest for me, Thanksgiving and Christmas and the space in between, when they usually come to Vegas for NFR and to visit their friends. I graduated in 2006 and that year they didn’t bother to visit me while they were here. Those holidays messed with me the worst, I didn’t understand what was happening or why. Then the guilt-trip email following a battered body, totaled car, and nearly spoiled anniversary plans. Thanksgiving is better since last year; we made our own traditions and cooked dinner with family. Christmas is still a bitch though. I haven’t found a way around it, past it or even over or under. I enjoy the festivities with a sort of reserved sadness that I try not to inflict on others. We decorate with the lights outside and the tree, presents, and dinner…it’s just not the same. As it used to be my favorite holiday, I carry a certain amount of resentment for having that ruined for me. I’m working on it. Poetry helps. It’s the physical and mental outpouring of my inner turmoil boiling onto a page; the page traps it and some, if not all, of the destructive emotions drain away. Therapy comes in many forms – I prefer the ones that are free.

I didn’t write all this angst to inflict it on you good people; I just hope that the sharing of it will make it less of a burden on me. I’m so tired this time of year and there’s no escaping my own head. Ironically, I saw a clip from the Christmas Carol where Scrooge was saying that Christmas was a holiday for the buying of things for which there was neither need nor money, and found myself agreeing and even giggling. Financial straights do weird things like that to me. Here, we’ll be as merry as we can. I wish the same to all of you.

Merry Christmas.

I always say I love the rain...

Well boys and girls, the days of the happy flowers may be wilting a little soon. I think I have to go back to work, as much as I don’t want to. I did the math the other day – we collectively lost 72% of our income once we were both out of work – and the other 28% just isn’t enough. I applied for 8-10 jobs today online, mostly secretarial stuff, nothing too stressful or challenging. Found out how much my new car insurance was going to cost and that cinched it. Sure, it’s less than before (one of my accidents fell off my record, finally) but without that DMV will suspend my license within days…I just can’t risk it.

In other interesting news, I’m learning to knit (for-real knit for those of you who have seen me whip out beanies from a loom). I’m doing a scarf and it’s very calming and very fast. I think so far today I’ve knitted nearly 3 feet of scarf and the day’s not over yet. I’ve been wide awake at midnight and beyond lately – why is adapting to nocturnal so much easier than getting up early?

Anybody who got snow today – whoopee for you, we got rain. We slept in today until 10am or so. I am extraordinarily thankful for my down comforter right now, since this old house has single pane, drafty ass windows and Mom’s boyfriend doesn’t like to turn on the heat to save energy. We watched all or part of My Super Ex-Girlfriend, Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man, Shanghai Noon, The Pianist (that might have been yesterday) all while knitting (for me) and random stints of him doing computer things. Weather like this tends to make me hibernate whenever possible.

Hope all of you readers, assuming I have more than one, are fairing well and keeping afloat. Times are tough, shame it’s not a cliché anymore.

Also, I 'graduated' from my introductory make-up class. These two lovelies were my models and submitted to my (albeit clumsy) ministrations. Hope you enjoy.

This Circus we call Life

Ok, I probably have somewhere around 15 minutes for this post and the insanity I describe in a moment will explain why. It’s been utter madness.

First, following a late night meeting at Xpozed magazine, we return to our humble abode to discover our cherished fishing boat has been unceremoniously stolen from our driveway. Neighbors, and even my own mother-in-law were home, but no one noticed or saw or heard anything. Honey saw our spare boat battery in the street at the corner of our property accompanied by a wide water trail; it fell off the back where it had been unrestrained after we used it to jump Sazzy’s car after Thanksgiving dinner. Honey says “Go back, go back! Follow the water!” I’m on the phone with the cops, telling them after two operator changes and two holds, that someone has stolen my boat, I’m following a water trail and I’ll give them an address when I get there. We lost the trail once and did one U-turn, but we found it in an alley/parking lot behind some run down apartments where no boat would ever live. With all the rain and the boat being parked nose-down (the drain plug is at the back and we leave it out when it’s parked) there was enough water to leave a definitive trail all the way to where it was dropped. I asked the cops if I could just take it or should wait for them. They said they’d be right along. We figure that we missed catching the people in the act by about 15 or 20 minutes. The water was still wet on the road and still draining out of the boat where it was parked. Three cop cars and much paper work later, we hitched her up and drove her home. For those of you who don’t know me and haven’t been to the house, we have a 14ft camo green, aluminum fishing boat. Nothing fancy. It’s currently loaded with all my camping gear, about three coolers, and a couple bags of clothes I planned to donate to Good Will. We got it all back, with the exception of one bag of clothes (sorry Good Will) and the trolling motor. No one was around when the cops and we showed up, so no arrests or pressing charges, but we got our stuff back. They wanted the engine we’re sure, but we’re also pretty sure they didn’t realize because it has a steering wheel the engine is connected with a bunch of hose lines and weighs probably 250 pounds or more. One bolt was removed. The following day we chained the trailer axle to the driveway, removed the spare and left side tire (letting the hub all the way to the ground), and drove by the place we found it to make our presence known, you know “we know were you live too”. We’re thinking of contacting America’s Dumbest Criminals.

The following day (Tuesday) was my first make-up class. Via our friend Rex from Xpozed, we’ve hooked up with Ethan Taylor Academy of Hair Design doing all sorts of projects in a ‘trade for labor’ type arrangement that gets me a $3500 accelerated make-up course for free. Isn’t Honey the shiz-nit? So as part of that, I shaved off half my eyebrows this morning. You’re welcome to laugh if you see me, but honestly to me, I don’t look that much different. The way they grow is not how they should be for my face and it makes it very challenging to correct them without following the hairline. Anyway, I had drawn on eyebrows yesterday for the first time and they looked awesome. With it being an accelerated course, classes are 6 hours at a time, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, for two weeks in a row, from 3-9pm. That in itself is a little nuts.

Yesterday was Day 2 of make-up class, where we put it on ourselves to make sure we can do it at all before taking tools to someone else’s face, followed by another late-night meeting at Xpozed (they’re throwing a sick New Year’s party, so if anyone reading this is interested, drop me a line for details) which lasted till about midnight, followed by an impromptu meeting with some local performers who get off work ridiculously late and want to explore some wild photo ideas. I didn’t have this crazy a life in high school or college (either time). It’s wonderful madness to be self-employed. I would never have functioned that many hours for a company, but doing it for me is ok. So our workday yesterday ended at 3:30am this morning and I was wide awake at 7:30am. Don’t ask me why, I’m still trying to work that one out. I need to get to Home Depot today because my closet rod collapsed (T, we’re right there with you), find a few must-haves for make-up class, eat something at some point, get dressed (this is bathrobe writing, baby) preferably in a color that works for me (I learned all about it in class and have to replace half my wardrobe because it’s not my color)…there’s something else, but I’ve lost it. Anyway, the madness continues!

Our Thanksgiving Rocked!!

Thanksgiving was everything I hoped for and more. Being unemployed was definitely a necessity - there is no way I could have collected myself to cook the masterpiece I did if I’d been working 12-hour days beforehand. Blessings to my friends that had to. We ended up with 9 people total, 5 of them strays. It’s a thing we do, for me going back as far as living at home with my folks, taking in people who have no one or can’t go to them for the holiday. It makes for interesting festivities, lemme tell you. All told, there were Mom and Flavio, Sazzy and her hubby, Bob, Terrell and Jeff, Darryll (albeit briefly) and Honey and me. I’d sent and received several “Happy Thanksgiving” text messages that morning, one of them resulting in a phone call from my former wall covering guy, Rick. He sounded the happiest I’ve ever heard him, was ecstatic to hear from me (he felt I needed to make the first move in making contact), can’t wait to meet Honey and agreed to a barbeque I want to throw for Encore survivors in January, finances willing. He also said he loves me – I know that sounds weird, probably more so if you knew him because he generally dislikes all people (the entire human race) with the exception of his children, but we made a connection over many conversations while working (philosophical ones on a construction site, if you can believe), I get him, and he …well, loves me. It was an awesome phone call to have on a holiday based on being thankful.

It all started out well, and as I said it ended up amazing, but there were a couple hitches in the middle. I created a schedule for the items I was responsible for (read everything except turkey) so it all got done at the same time, hot and ready for the table. That was all well and good until we tried to find seating for 9 people when our table only seats 6. We wanted to rent a party table; a round that could seat 10, but nobody thought to call the table guy until Wednesday night, and the call went to voicemail. So then we tried the patio furniture, which had to be Houdini’d into the room, didn’t fit, and would have left people with their backs to each other. I was pretty unset, enough to where Honey decided the only solution was to build a table, which he did in the middle of the kitchen in about 30 minutes flat. The table turned out fabulous, but it impeded my cooking skills (both with stress and limited travel paths) to where I splattered butter everywhere, boiled the cream over, and nearly cut my finger off preparing potatoes. At about this time Sazzy arrived with her hubby, who is by far the shyest and quietest person I’ve ever met, and ironically named Bob. I say ironically because Honey and I name everything Bob, so far the tortoise and a piece of furniture we’re not quite sure what it actually is. I stepped out of the kitchen until construction was finished – I expected a small table to extend the existing table…what I got was an 8-seat, ‘last supper’ type table made of studs and a full sheet of ½” drywall, adorned with a king-sized bed sheet. Like I’m fond of telling people who may not fully comprehend: this is the ghetto, we can jimmy-rig anything. At this point, I was behind on my schedule including the extra time I’d factored in case I was slow. Sazzy was wonderful, volunteering first to do dishes and then chop a mountain of veggies for our mutually coveted dish, the stuffin’ muffins. I made a wonderful mess with softened butter and strained sauce – don’t get me started on the sauce. It could be used in food porn and culinary bedroom play. It’s that good. So it all came together in a random, messy, fabulous way, which seems to characterize my life. Terrell said grace for us with distinction, many thanks, T. After that it was food ecstasy. I wanted to take a group photo, but once the eating started I completely forgot. I still haven’t decided which was my favorite dish, and continue the debate going around the plate while eating way too many leftovers. For once, dessert was not the highlight of the eating extravaganza. I consider that a triumph in itself.

We all gravitated to the fire pit outside to let our food settle before contemplating dessert. Originally the plan had been to eat outside like last year, but the rain had other ideas. The rain did not, however, interrupt the fire, wet wood or no. I found myself with this absent smile on my face quite a bit, content with life. That smile got a whole lot bigger when a couple people got orgasmic expressions with the first bite of pumpkin crisp, my cream cheese-smothered, blondie-like dessert. You can see now, if you couldn’t before, that this day was definitely worth quitting some job. We’re considering having it in our pajamas next year…